Perth Man Chooses Amateur Male Stripping Over Girlfriend

26 September 2013, 6:45am

Cindy Lee, 18, reportedly gave her boyfriend, Robert Jackson, 28, an ultimatum on Wednesday evening at Nando's in East Victoria Park: Its me or the amateur male stripping!

 An eye witness old the Bell Tower Times that Jackson responded almost immediately: "my fans crave it hard, babe, I'l always be an amateur male stripper".

In the interest of maintaining the high standard of impartial journalism the BTT is famous for, we arranged interviews with both Jackson and Lee to get the scope.

Lee met us at the Boost Juice in Garden City and told us the reason for her ultimatum:
"The stripping started at parties, he would take off his shirt or strip down to his grundies and run around. It was kinda ladsy at that stage....
then shit got really bad. He signed up for some greasy amateur male stripping competition in Northbridge. He dressed as an Indian Chief... his awkward and jagged dance moves were a serious turn off. I dunno.... from that day i always saw him as some kind of gay prostitute.... if he wanted to date me, the stripping had to stop"
Jackson met us at a supplements shop in Waterford and told us about his reaction to Lee's ultimatum:
"I was shocked. Bitches go wild when i'm up on stage like magic mike! I couldn't continue a relationship with someone who didn't support my passion: amateur male stripping. I'm making waves in the industry, a top amateur male stripper lets me wash his car, I consider that networking. On a side note, do you know anything about this new creatine supplement? SuperPump?"
We can categorically say that we will never go to one of Jackson's greasy amateur male stripping shows.

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Businessman Envies Group of Hobos Getting Drunk on a Monday Afternoon

24 September 2013, 11:10am

Roger Goldburg, 32, works long hours at one of Perth's top investment banking firms. He studied for 6 years at the University of Western Australia and has gained valuable experience during a series of internships in New York and London.

By all accounts, Goldburg is a roaring success. A man who bought himself a Rolex at the age of 26 and a BMW at the age of 30. He demands the respect from his peers and fends off pretty ladies with a stick when he is hitting the cities hottest bars.

On 23 September 2013, Goldburg was having a stressful day and decided to take a walk around the city. He walked through the Supreme Court Gardens and spotted a group of hobos drinking from bottles in brown paper bags and engaging in gratuitous horseplay. Goldburg sat on a bench watching the hobos and was struck with a immense feeling of envy. Goldburg told the Times:
"I am stuck in my office all day, dealing with corporate wankers and fucking emails. I watched the hobos for about an hour... they were free... they were getting sauced at 3pm on a Monday afternoon. My colleagues would see them and think they are pathetic pieces of shit, not me, I longed to be with them".
Goldburg went back to work, but couldn't get the images of the derelict men out of his head. On 24 September 2013, Goldburg decided to indulge his fantasy. He made his way to the IGA Liquor on Hay Street at 11:00am and purchased a long neck of Woodstock and Cola in a brown paper bag. He made his way down to the Supreme Court Gardens, took a seat at a bench and suckled upon the nectar of his new found freedom.

Goldburg plans to schedule in a "freedom drink" at least once or twice per week. He believes that the practice helps keep him grounded  in the sleazy corporate world that he flourishes in .

If you are working long hours in an office, perhaps consider how a little drinky-winky in the park could benefit your life.

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NRL Mad Monday: Group Sex Ends in Horror

12 September 2013, 10:00am

Players from a NRL team in New South Wales are embroiled in yet another controversy over claims that a group sex session on Mad Monday ended a little gay when the players realised that the girls had snuck out at some stage.

It was reported that the plays drank heavily at an inner city bar, before inviting two girls back to a house in Surrey Hills. In true NRL fashion, the night eventuated in a raunchy freak-fest between at least 5 of the team's players and the two girls in a dark room.

Ecstasy turned to horror, when one of the players flicked on the light after reaching climax at 3:00 am to discover that the two girls were gone, and all that was left was 5 sweaty, exhausted and satisfied men.

The Bell Tower Times was contacted by one of the ladies involved in the group sex, she told the times:
"It was so gross, they were all trying to high five each other in the dark, grunting and acting in a generally disgusting manner. We realised that they were all caught up in the moment, so Amanda and I took our chance to duck our silently at about midnight. No one seemed to notice, but the pounding definitely continued. I guess they were f**king each other for the next three hours? ha ha".
We are not permitted to release the identity of the club at this stage, however we believe the players have gone into lock down and haven't been sighted since the Mad Monday celebrations.

It is only a matter of time before their memory starts coming back to them, and they remember who stuck what, where.

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Fremantle Centrelink Abuzz with Dockers Fever

10 September 2013, 7:00am

The Centrelink in the heart of Fremantle has long been the spiritual homeland for true Docker's supporters and has even been dubbed Docker Land.

Vigorous banter about the Docker's premiership chances have dominated the agenda in the lengthy queue that builds each day. There is a real buzz at Centrelink.

The Bell Tower Times traveled to the hallowed grounds of Docker Land in Fremantle yesterday to talk to some of the die-hard fans:

"Macka", 32, told the Times:
"Can you believe they need us to look for 10 jobs per week? F**king bullshit. Anyway, Docker's are a serious chance. I would love to see the boys win a premiership".
Rory, 40, told the Times:
"If I had a job I would definitely have bought a ticket to Melbourne in anticipation for the lads making the Grand Final. But you know what they say? A Docker's fan with a job is just an Eagles fan in denial ha ha ha".
Christie, 19, told the Times:
"Yay... i'm going to dress my 8 kids up in Freo footy jumpers and have my own little bunch of Ballantynes running around on Grand Final Day".
Daryl, 26, told the Times:
"I'm actually catching up with Clive Waterhouse for a gooner later. He is the unofficial King of Docker Land. Everyone knows that mate".
During my time at Docker Land I was asked why I was swaggering around with a shirt and tie like an "Eagles faggot". I was prepared for this line of questioning, and told the unwashed man that I was at Centrelink to make an enquiry about the Baby Bonus scheme. I was given a Docker's scarf and pat on the back. Thats what the purple passion is all about folks!


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Top 10 Ways to Deal With Your Co-Workers

9 September 2013, 10:50am.

Suffering from a debilitating case of the Mondays? Contemplating pouring hot coffee all over the insufferably cheery work experience kid? We have all been there, oh yes.

Check our top 10 tips for surviving in the urban jungle we call a workplace:
  1. Rock out while you work - nothing goes down smoother than listening to your favorite songs while you work. Resist the urge start drumming along with a couple of pens however. This will quickly earn you the title of the office fuckface.
  2. Irish up that coffee - what your management doesn't know will not hurt them. A dash of Jamesons in your morning coffee can do wonders for taking the edge off. Be
    careful not to overdo it. We are led to believe that alcohol's
     relaxing qualities are often surpassed by  it's obnoxious-inducing
  3. Rub one out in the toilet - a strategic toilet wank has been used by
    businessmen for centuries. The after effect has the calming qualities of
    a Valium. Speaking of which:
  4. Prescription drugs - there is nothing wrong with banging down a couple of
    chill pills before you need to deal with the vast array of scrotes that inhabit
    your work place. Remember, tempting as it may be, slipping one into a angry
     co-workers drink is still considered a crime in this country.
  5. Vent your anger - a fantastic method used by our chief editor, is to write
    the name of the co-worker who has aggrieved you on a post-it note. Take this
    post-it note to the toilet with you, place it in the bowl, and literally piss on it.
    Therapy for beginners. Probably best to keep this practice to yourself though.
  6. Leisurely stroll - there is nothing better than getting paid to have a wander
    through the City and have a gander at the many beautiful woman (or men). Don't
    over-use the stroll, we suggested a 10 minute walk 3 times her day.
  7. Embrace scrotes - terrible personalities can be irritating, but
    remember when you deal with a scrote, you are simply gathering
    material to engage in a vicious lampooning session about them with your mates
    later on. Its the Australian way.
  8. Don't be the sleaze - you wouldn't hound the cute little secretary if you
    saw her at a bar, so what makes you think you have a chance in the
    office? That cheap tie? Your bad hair cut? Hold it down boy.
  9. Eat lunch outside the office - essentially, your co-workers are the enemy. You
    do not want your enemy studying your habits. Never eat at your desk.
  10. Keep calm - remember, the best parts of your life occur outside of work hours.
    Maintain an active and healthy social life. You work for your employer but you
    live for yourself. 

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Paedophile Island - WA Government's Innovative Solution

5 September 2013, 2:30pm

Public outrage has been building over the early release of sex offenders back into the community in the spate of recent high profile crimes, such as the those committed by Ernest Bayly in Melbourne this year.

It is understood that Western Australia is considering an innovative new scheme to deal with the issue. Converting Garden Island from a useless naval base to a island for convicted paedophiles to occupy while on parole so that they can be properly integrated back into the community in due course.

Rock-spiders can bask in each others shame and learn how to function in a community while working and earning a basic wage. Their wages will be garnished and a portion will be allocated to their victims of families of their victims.

It is understood that training in basic trades and other skills may be offered to the cradle-robbing creeps. After all, they will  need to earn a living when they are reintegrated back into mainstream society, as frankly, Western Australian's find the idea of a paedo sitting around all day on Centrelink to be repugnant.

Critics claim that the cost of housing and training the sex offenders will be a drain on the tax payer. Nothing could be further from the truth. A society that invests in rehabilitating sex offenders properly is a society that cares about reducing re-offending.

It is anticipated that big business might capitalise on the situation and outsource some of their menial work to the island. We understand that a certain chicken chain is interested in outsourcing the production of its potato and gravy to the Island once the program is underway.

Residents of the Island will need to pass a strict review system before they are permitted to return to mainstream society. Essentially, the risk of re-offending must be negligible.

The Bell Tower Times welcomes the new grubby Island.

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30 Year Old Virgin Takes RedTube to Court

5 September 2013, 7:10am

Barnaby Wu, 30, has commenced an action against popular pornography website RedTube for misleading and deceptive conduct and seeks compensation for humiliation and distress that he suffered in his first sexual encounter on the weekend.

Wu alleges that he spent 1000's of hours on RedTube and developed an unrealistic expectation of sex. He further alleges that when he engaged the services of an escort on the weekend he was humiliated when his "weapon of mass seduction" popped off prematurely and the escort ended the session within the first 2 minutes.

Outside of Court, Wu told The Bell Tower Times:
"The real deal is not at all like you see in the RedTube movies. My first sexual encounter was shameful and to make matters worse the prostitute told me that I couldn't claim that I'd lost my V-plates as I hadn't actually entered her. I'm 30 for gods sake... My first time was meant to be special".
We understand that the escort in question declined Wu's request to give evidence, she told the Times:
"He paid for the session, sure. Even though he paid me, it still felt like a pity-fuck... or lack thereof. He talked a big game on the phone, telling me that he was coming over to "clean ze pool" and "rock my world"... I felt bad for him, but he should be angry at himself".
The legal community watches on with interest as the case is the first of its type. It raises the important question of whether pornography websites owe a duty of care to their viewership to ensure that they develop a healthy and balanced view of sexual intercourse.

RedTube is expected to rigorously defend the allegations and allege that they are free to post any content they wish within the boundaries of the law.

Wu plans to represent himself in the civil proceedings and despite the additional embarrassment incurred by bringing his matter into the public spotlight, he is adamant that he will not settle. In his words, "I'm doing this for every bloke who have been let down my the education system and misled by pornography about sex". 

Justice will prevail.

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Sex, Lies and Bertie Beetles: The Perth Royal Show

4 September 2013, 6:50am

Perth is set to be rocked to the core when the Crime and Corruption Commission formally announces that the Perth Royal Show is being investigated for racketeering in connection with the much loved Bertie Beetle chocolate bar.

It is well known that it is nearly impossible to locate a Bertie Beetle in Perth outside of the Perth Royal Show in September. Many Western Australians accept this as the status quo and spend each year longing for the chocolatey, crunchy bliss of the Bertie Beetle.

The CCC has remained tight lipped about their investigation, however they released the following statement to the media on Tuesday afternoon:
"Serious allegations have emerged that the Perth Royal Show is running a monopoly over the popular chocolate bar. It is further alleged: 
1.   Sexual favors have been solicited to secure the lucrative Bertie Beetle contract,                 including allegations of male prostitution and "reach-arounds'; 
2.  Side-show Carney's have been acting as "stand-over-men" and intercepting deliveries      of Bertie Beetles to Perth shops; 
3.  Despite the chocolate being widely available in other jurisdictions, it remains rare in        Perth, thus over inflating demand".
The Bell Tower Times attempted to contact local Perth shop-keepers to ask them about the seedy underbelly of the Bertie Beetle trade. No one was willing to talk to us.

However one shop-keep warned us about the living hell he endured after he tried to stockpile Bertie Beetles purchased at the Royal Show and sell them at a premium in December, he told us:
"All i'll say is that I woke up and found a Freddo Frog head in my bed and a free token for the ring-toss game at next years show... they were in my house...  you don't mess with these lads, they aint playing willy wonka".
The Bell Tower Times don't scare so easily. We promise our readers that we will get the scoop.

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Twerking May Disprove Theory of Evolution

3 September 2013, 7:00am

In 1859, Charles Darwin published The Origin of the Species, and hypothesised that life was dictated by the survival of the fittest and laid the foundation for the theory of evolution.

Evolution suggested that the human race would be propelled forward based on the prominence of its best and brightest. Modern day should have been a Utopian paradise, a product of the collective human experience, a new golden age.

In 2013, millions of screaming teenagers idolise a moronic dance craze known as "twerking". A dance movement that has dominated headlines both in the teenage world and mainstream "adult" media. Basically, the "twerking" craze is like the Macarena craze on steroids (and not performed by dirty old Italian men).

The obsession came to a surreal head at the recent VMA Music Awards, when a white-trash pop singer, Miley Cyrus, "twerked" up against nightclub sex-pest, Robin Thicke. Social media practically exploded and the incident was spread over the internet faster than herpes at one of Thicke's sex parties.

The "twerking" craze has led some scientists to question Darwin's timeless theory. A leading evolutionary biologist from a Perth University told the Bell Tower Times:
"It would appear that the human race isn't evolving like one would expect. It is astounding that some inane dance move demands more attention than any other event occurring in the world. I wont even bother writing an article about this, as no one will read it unless it is in a "tweet" format".
The Bell Tower Times takes a contrary view. Perhaps dorky science nerds needs to swag up, grab a Redbull and shred it at the next Sets on the Beach.

 Twerk it, yo.

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Unemployed Loser Reckons Boat People Are a Drain on the Economy

2 August 2013, 2:15pm

Robert "Robbo" Jackson, 25, contacted the Bell Tower Times to vent his frustration about the "constant stream" of boat people that are "flooding"into Australia.

Intrigued by the average punter's point of view on complicated foreign policy, we arranged an interview with Mr Jackson at his choice of venue, The Bayswater Tavern, 1:30pm on a Monday.

We sent out best journalist, Mr X, down to the Baysie to conduct the interview. Here are excerpts from the transcript of the interview:

Good afternoon Mr Jackson, thank you for taking time out of your schedule to speak to us.
Ha, thanks cob. I’m sort of “in between jobs” at the moment, so no wukkas.
Right. So we understand that you have some strong views about asylum seekers?
Only thing they are seeking is Centrelink mate. Total drain on the economy… What do they do for Australia?
 In what sense?
They come over on boats, they don’t work, they don’t assimilate with us Aussies. It’s just take, take, take with that lot, ya know?
So, how would you deal with “boat people”?
Arrive by boat, f**k off and sit in prison.
  I assume you will be voting Labor then?
 Voting is for poofters mate, ‘sif im ruining me sat’dee morning sleep-in to vote for a bunch of shirt and tie wearing wankers.
At least we found some middle-ground. .
Oi, just stop the boats, ay!
After the interview, we sat with Mr Jackson while he cracked can after can of Bundaberg and Cola, scoured the Racing Form and mused about his next bet. 

We were left with a confused feeling. Mr Jackson was clearly an unemployed drongo who was allergic to employment, yet, he seemed to give the issue of illegal immigration the same careful consideration and compassion as our nations top politicians.

Just stop the boats, ay. 

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