Regrettable: Man Snorts Line of Cocaine Before Interview

28 November 2013, 9:15am

Yesterday, Tony, 26, was preparing for an interview with one of Perth's prestigious marketing firms.

Tony's interview was at 10:30am, so he started his day with a boxing session, a solid breakfast of left over Nando's chicken and a quick call to his mother for a little inspiration.

Tony's preparation was going swimmingly, until he made the regrettable decision to snort a fat line of cocaine to "take the edge off".

An anonymous source from the marketing firm told The Bell Tower Times that Tony arrived at his interview 5 minutes late and was noticed breathing heavily and staring intensely at various objects in the room. Sadly, Tony's late arrival was not his only faux pas during the hour long interview, according to our source, Tony also:

1. At the beginning of the interview held an unbroken 7 second stare at the female interviewer.

2. Applied lip balm 18 times.

3. Spoke at length about his amateur boxing when asked what skills he could bring to the firm.

4. Made 3 jokes about wanting a cigarette

5. Drank the entire jug (1.5L) of water.

6. At one point his face resembled something that would eat its own young.

7. Sweated profusely (despite air-conditioning).

The Bell Tower Times asked Tony what he was thinking:
"In hindsight, the choice to snort that charlie was a misguided and regrettable. My guy usually gives me pretty weak blow, so I thought it was just going to pep me up. Little did I know he gave me some fucking scar-face shit. I cant confirm, but I may have made a fool of myself". 
 Needless to say, Tony got the job, as the Managing Director of the firm not only shared Tony's cocaine dealer, but was also a mate of his dads.

For the uninitiated, this is how the corporate world works.
 

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Leederville Man's Grindr Account Distracts Him From Perth Glory Game

27 November 2013, 7:00pm

Toddy, 21, set out last Saturday afternoon to watch his beloved Perth Glory take on the Mariners in a must win match for the mighty Glory.

As soon as Toddy approached the stadium he felt his mobile phone vibrate constantly. He was receiving bulk notifications from his Grindr Account about the presence of other homosexuals at the soccer match.

Grindr is a gay/bi dating app that allows users to identify when they are in the same vicinity and provides a link to that persons profile.

In fact, the stadium was so densely populated with homosexuals, Toddy spent most of the match checking through the hundreds of profiles of the various poofs that caught his eye.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to Toddy, who was enjoying a Bailey's at the Garden in Leederville, he told us:
"Oh sugarsnaps. I missed the entire game. I was seriously bobbing in an ocean of cock and I felt like the luckiest Buoy in the water. I didn't even see any goals scored, it was a serious bummer".
While we were chatting to Toddy he received a text message. Toddy giggled and almost snorted some of his Bailey's through his nose, he told us that he had just received a text from the guy who hooked him up with the Perth Glory ticket, the text message said, "totes saw you on TV grinning at your Grindr lol, textbook Toddy xx". We assume Toddy has a history of this type of behavior.

Before we parted ways Toddy told us that he would just watch a replay of the game on Foxtel tonight while he trawled for more "wolverines" on the popular dating app.

Better luck next time Toddy.

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School Leavers Police: Dob in a Mate for Immunity

26 November 2013, 2:50pm

School Leavers have begun their celebrations in various locations around WA. The most popular spots being Rottnest Island, Dunsborough and Busselton. According to the Police the celebrations are synonymous with underage drinking, sex and general good times.

This year, Western Australian Police have spread the message to leavers, that if they are caught with alcohol or drugs, they will have an opportunity to "act like a cop", and dob in their mates in exchange for immunity from prosecution.

The scheme dubbed, "Dob in Ya M8", has so far resulted in a number of arrests for the intent to sell and supply prohibited substances. There have also been reports of bar fridges and eskies being raided on a daily basis, in the search for "alcopops" that may be destined for the lips of underage drinkers.

The success of Dob in Ya M8, is rumored to be due to the fact it is modeled on the application process for the Police force itself, with all hopeful cadets being encouraged to inform on a member of their family or social circle, for any conceivable offense.

The scheme reminds us of the infamous "drug bins" that were positioned outside of music festivals, and allowed revelers to dispose of their drugs before they  entered the festival and avoid any punishment. The "drug bins" were not utilised, much to the disappointment of resident Perth fiend, Robbo Dawson, who in an act of desperation tried to spear tackle a bin with the intent of ingesting anything that fell out.

Go on, laws are forever, friendships are temporary.






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Rockingham to Build Giant UFC Octagon Cage in Night District

25 November 2013, 11:20am

Roc City is a city of contrasts. On the one hand, you have beautiful beaches, adventure sports and penguins. On the other hand, you have a flourishing community of Perth's most committed bogans, deros and dropkicks.

At night, the streets of Roc City can erupt into vicious brawls, violent assaults and an array of chest thumping and aggressive pointing. Many of the local dropkicks battle it out for the title of the "King of the Jungle", basically, a title awarded to the Roc City resident who causes the most mayhem and destruction on a weekend night.

In a bold plan to combat the thuggery in Roc City a group of residents have begun lobbying the City of Rockingham, for permission to build a massive UFC-style Octagon Cage off the main strip. In this cage, aggressive residents can settle their differences without being a threat to the public.

It is believed by the residents that each night, the biggest and baddest of Roc City would be drawn to the massive free-for-all cage, to watch the local tough guys battle it out. The cities pubs and bars would therefore be free of the menacing types that have tarnished Roc City's name.

An additional benefit of the cage, is that the padded floor would significantly reduce one-punch fatalities, which have become the scourge of Western Australian media for the previous 5 years.

Other resident's fear that the cage will encourage young men to settle their differences with violence rather than by peaceful means. We spoke to Lex Kingsley, the head lobbyist about the critics of his plan:
"Look. Ever heard the story of the scorpion and the frog? A scorpion asked a frog for a lift across the river and the frog said, fuck no, you will just sting me. The scorpion said, nah mate, then we will both drown. Anyway, the frog takes the scorpion across the river and halfway across, the scorpion plunges his stinger into the frogs dick, the frog asked why, and the scorpion told him, I stung you because I'm a flaming scorpion ya gallah!. Moral of the story? - These animals will fight no matter what, lets just separate em from the public and keep Rocko safe for the average punters".
Lex may just have a point. Lets save the metaphorical sting from our metaphorical dicks.


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Victor's Secret - Male Lingerie Store to Open on Hay Street

22 November 2013, 12:30pm

Victoria's Secret has been supplying woman with sexy lingerie for decades and has become a mainstay of the female wardrobe.

Sadly, men have been deprived of the same shopping experience. All this is about to change, with Victoria's Secret announcing that it will be opening its first "Victor's Secret" shop in Perth's famous Hay Street Mall on 12 December 2013.

A spokesperson for Victor's Secret released the following statement to the media:

"Male lingerie is really the final taboo. I think Perth men will really relish the opportunity to go shopping for sexy underwear together. Your average Aussie bloke will now get a chance to check with his mates whether his new lacey male lingerie will look cute and impress that special lady. We also envisage, that men from the Eastern States will ask their friends who visit Perth to bring them back a sexy little number".
Not everyone in Perth is abuzz with the same excitement, with some male shoppers calling the proposed store "misguided" and "unholy". The Bell Tower Times spoke to, Shane, a guy we found shopping for grundies at Target, he told us:

"ahhh.... I am not sure Victor's Secret will be a success. I don't reckon blokes want to go underwear shopping together, if you ask me, if your jocks have at least 70% elasticity and there are few signs of visible skid marks, then most girls will be satisfied. There really isn't a need for lace or g-strings or other homo shit".
On the other hand, we were informed by a confidential source, that the Treasuer, Troy Buswell, described the store as "fantastic". 

The success of the store will surely be measured based on the sales for Christmas this year. We ask our readers, would you buy your dad or brother a pair of lacey Y-fronts for Christmas?

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Indonesian Spying Scandal: Diplomatic Solution - President Takes a Valium and a Jack & Coke

21 November 2013, 5:15pm

Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, has written Australia Prime Minister Tony Abbott a letter demanding an explanation of why his telephone was tapped a number of years ago. 

President Bambang has even gone so far to "downgrade" Australia's relationship with Indonesia and refuse to pledge military assistance to deal with the issue of asylum seekers fleeing war torn countries. 

We note that many Australian's are unaware that Indonesia (or Bali, as its commonly known) kept a ranking system on fellow nations. 

Whether Indonesia has overreacted to the scandal or not is a matter of debate, however there is a growing sentiment in Australia that President Bambang just needs to bang down a couple of Valiums, enjoy a cool glass of Jack & Coke and fuckin' relax. 

It is understood that President Bambang has also written scathing letters to Google for keeping records of his unique pornographic fetishes (ironically, involving naked woman writing letters) and a letter to NASA expressing his fury over the Associations' satellites that hover over the Earth, which conveniently includes Indonesia. 

If you have any chill pills or bottles of silky smooth Jacks to spare, send them via Jakarta, and let this whole shit storm blow over.

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Ugly Scenes in Cottesloe: Man Adds Ice To His Pint of Beer

10 November 2013, 4:20pm 

A horrific scene of un-Australianism has erupted at a popular bar located on Cottesloe beach this afternoon, when a local man, Charlie Daniels, buckled under the pressure of the 38 degree heat and added a couple of ice cubes to his pint of Carlton Draught.

Naturally, Daniel's mates took immediate offence to the unorthodox decision to add ice to beer. However, a German tourist, Hans Gunten, who was sitting near Daniels took particular offence to the scene, told The Bell Tower Times:
"Oh mein gott (oh my god), what a sacrilege to the fine tradition of beer. If he wanted watery beer why not order an American Budweiser yah? In Germany, he would be laughed our of the Beer Hall, it is the [brat]worst thing I've ever seen".
Daniels was observed sipping his pint and being noticeably repulsed by the watery beer that had been caused by the a scientific process known as dilution and some shit to do with the density of the beer compared to the water (the top was watery).

The Bell Tower Times was on the scene to take this exclusive statement from Daniels:
"I'm pretty embarrassed  A couple of cute backpackers were giggling at me and one raised her little finer to indicate I had a tiny, flaccid cock. I suppose I deserved it. I ruined my beer, pissed off a German and was humiliated by my mates. To make matters worse, my girlfriend bought me the next round, a glass of chardonnay with a tampon on the side, as the kids say... fuck my life".
If you want your beer to stay cold, order a middie, drink it faster or take a good hard look at yourself.

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Police Strikes Expected Over Commissioner's Move to Remove McDonald's Discount

5 November 2013, 3:45pm

Victorian police Chief, Ken Lay, has written to McDonalds and requested that they discontinue the discount offered to members of the Victorian Police Force. Read the story here.

There are concerns that the provision of free burgers will entice police to spend more time in McDonalds than on their respective beats. There are also concerns that the bulging waistline of our nation's finest is sending a poor message to the public.

After all, how can a police officer catch a crook, if they haven't even buttoned up their pants and removed themselves from McDonalds to give chase?

Police officers in Victoria are planning to walk off the job on 6 November 2013, to protest the actions taken by Ken Lay. One officer told The Bell Tower Times that he wasn't even going to look at the pile of unsolved car burglary reports that he has had on his desk since 2007, until there is confirmation he can continue to dine at McDonalds for a fraction of the price of other people.

In a show of unity, Western Australian police are considering taking similar action and walking off the job tomorrow to protest the unfair treatment being shown towards their Victorian brothers. A WA police officer, who had worked closely with Trust Fund, told the Times:
"Folks don't understand how demanding our job can be. We are literally heroes. Each and every one of us, heroes. It makes me sick that the maggots we call citizens, have a crack at us for getting half priced fast food. So what if they need to pay full price? They aren't saving lives and being heroes".
The Bell Tower Times received information from a source,  that in the event of a strike was held tomorrow, the only police service that would not be disrupted would be the road safety and traffic unit, in the sources words, "our radars will never stop". 

The potential strike in WA has petrol station and pharmacy attendants in the Midland and Armadale areas nervous.

Would you like fries with your tantrum?

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Office Alcoholic: Melbourne Cup Luncheon Just a Warm-up for the Christmas Party

4 November 2013, 10:15am

Tomorrow, employers across Australia will be hosting dignified luncheons to celebrate the Melbourne Cup, one of Australia's most famous sporting events. Normally, employees are permitted to have a few drinks to go with their strawberries & cream.

Frank McEvoy, 41, holds the unenviable title of the office drunk at his job in Perth's CBD. McEvoy relishes any opportunity to rapidly consume drinks at the various staff functions. Once intoxicated, he is known to drunkenly leer at the female staff, spit when he talks and normally ends up with a reasonable amount of piss on his trousers from his atrocious aiming.

The Bell Tower Times never misses an opportunity to delve into the mind of an office piss-head, so we contacted McEvoy and asked him what was special about the Melbourne Cup luncheon:
"Melbourne Cup is really important. It is the first office function since the end of financial year party, where free drinks are put on for staff members. Last year I drank 8 beers in the one hour event and then went off to the pub during my lunch break  It was amazing, I think i consumed about 14 beers from 11am - 2pm. A fair effort on a Tuesday ay?"
Other coworkers were not as gracious about McEvoy's alcoholic behavior, we spoke to the reception who told us:
"One word. Gross. He gets all the beer foam caught in his dirty facial hair and sooo much slag builds up in the corner of his mouth.  It is pretty obvious that he uses the Melbourne Cup luncheon to gauge just how far he can go, in terms of drinking on the job. 
He likes footy metaphors, he once told me that Melbourne Cup was like the derby and the office Christmas party was the "grand final"... I just hope he doesn't try to look down my top again".
Bizarrely, McEvoy beleives that his behavior goes under the radar. Little does he know, some of his coworkers have been taking bets on the exact time McEvoy's wife will storm into the office, blast him for his alcoholism and threaten to take the kids to her mothers house for the night. Last year, the time was 2:50pm.

McEvoy, you are a mess sir.

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