Seedy Bloke Offering to Apply Sunscreen Spotted on Perth Beaches

30 December 2013, 12:30pm

The Bell Tower Times has been inundated with reports of a large, bald Irishman that has been seen patrolling Perth beaches and offering females complimentary sunscreen and an additional offer to "make sure its all rubbed in good and proper".

We spoke to a surf lifesaver at Cottesloe Beach who told us that the man, dubbed "Big Seedy" was not sanctioned by any legitimate authority and is most likely dishing out the free sun protection as a means to get his hairy knuckles on the backs of beautiful young woman.

We spoke to Cindy Tan, 23, who was approached by Big Seedy on Saturday morning:
"This big, gross, bald dude came up to me and said that he was making sure no one got burnt this summer. He offered me some sunblock and I told him that I already had some. He then said that it would be a shame if my 'oriental tan' turned into 'sizzling pork chow mein' and that I should let him make sure the sunscreen was applied properly. So yuk. I just got up and walked away".
Another victim of Big Seed, Samantha Young, 21, told us:
"I'd say he is about 30 years old and speaks with a strong Irish accent. When he approached me he was clearly drunk and told me that I had 'missed a spot' on my lower back. I told him my boyfie was in the water and he should fuck off. Seriously, what a creep!".
Technically, Big Seedy is not committing any offences as he is seeking consent to touch the woman. Nevertheless, he is making a nuisance of himself and we urge anyone who witnesses him in action to have a word to him.

A reminder to all this summer - don't be a sex pest.

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Critical: Perth Man Overdoses on Christmas Ham

28 December 2013, 11:00am

The sound of an ambulance's siren filled the air in Rivervale last night as paramedics rushed to Russel Mixon's home to revive the young man after suffering an overdose of Christmas ham.

Mixon's girlfriend, Cindy, made the panicked call after Mixon was found slumped over in the bathroom. Cindy had told The Bell Tower Times;
"We bought a 8KG Dorsogna ham for Christmas. At the time I knew it was a lot of ham,but I guess we figured that we would have more guests over. Russ ended up consuming over a kilo a day. at first it was a little slice here and there, but last night, I found him at 7pm with the ham in his hands and just burying his face into it like an animal....not long after he collapsed".
Paramedics told Cindy that Russell needed his stomach pumped to try and rid his body of the large amounts of salt, glaze and fat from the 6KG of ham he had consumed over the previous 4 days. Paramedics where in shock when they discovered an enormous 2KG of ham in Mixon's stomach, claiming it was the most startling case of ham abuse they had ever seen and that it was a miracle that Mixon had survived.

We spoke to Mixon while he was in bed recovering from the ordeal, he told us:
"wooooo! What a rush. Man I was just on that glazed shit, thought I was invincible. The doctors tell me I need a detox. No shit, I'll toss your salad for real, if you smuggle me a little slice, c'mon man."
The Bell Tower Times does not support addiction and Mixon's tempting offer was no exception.

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Marijuana Dealers Concerned With Meeting the Holiday Demand

23 December 2013, 9:00am

Marijuana has emerged as the holiday narcotic of choice. Thousands of Western Australians have expressed their unwillingness to deal with their families over Christmas and New Years unless they are baked out of their mind.

Marijuana is popular with Western Australians for its ability to increase ones patience, appetite and general euphoria. All essential traits for ones Christmas lunch. We spoke to Billy, 23, who told the Bell Tower Times:

"Fucking typical innit? You rock up to Chrissy and all your relatives bail you up at some point and ask you the same questions - what are doing with your life, hows your job going, do you have a girlfriend, etc. I used to get frustrated and loath Christmas lunch. However, last year I smoked a massive doobie with my brother before we arrived. I was so baked that the usual barrage of repetitive questions didn't phase me. It was brilliant, I swear by it now."

Billy's sentiments are echoed by many. The demand for ganja is so great, that Perth marijuana dealers are beginning to worry that they will be unable to keep their customers happy this year and be able to provide them with enough for the 2 week holiday period. We spoke to a dealer who wished to remain anonymous (for obvious reasons), he told The Bell Tower Times:
"Dealer-customer loyalty is the cornerstone of my business. There are a ton of lads out there setting up their own grow operations and selling shitty weed. I pride myself on only selling the strands of weed that the people crave - white rhino, AK-47 or Kush. I'm worried that if I cant hook up all my customers with what they need over Christmas, they will turn to these amateur turkey-fuckers. I don't get paid and my customer doesn't get high. No one wins. Except the turkey-fucker of course". 
The demand for high quality marijuana has become so great, that many dealers have been forced to switch their mobile telephones off on certain days - such as the Big Day Out and New Years Day.

We spoke to another marijuana dealer who told us:

"It is such a hectic time of the year for weed dealers, bra. My greatest concern is that when I'm outta the chronic, my customers resort to "open houses" - properties usually occupied by a gang of aboriginals who sell terrible weed from their front door and are open 24/7. I don't want my valued customers resorting to that. I've heard rumors that they spray their buds with fly spray to fool the consumer into thinking they are getting high - yeh, high off bug spray, bra". 
The message from Western Australia's weed dealers is simple - conserve your stash, plan for periods of drought and share with your fellow man. Together, we can all get through Christmas in one piece.

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Man Accused of Touching Co-Worker's Dick Awarded $150,000.00

20 December 2013, 11:00am

Ken Roberts, 35, has been awarded a record payout by the Supreme Court of WA, over his claim that he suffered psychological harm from a co-worker constantly accusing him of touching his dick in while in public places.

The defendant, Rex Samson, 27, admitted that whenever he went drinking with his colleagues he found it irresistible to accuse Roberts of touching his genitals and turning the accusation into a "spectacle".

A witness in the case gave evidence that on one occasion Samson stood on the top of a table at a inner city bar and announced to the crowd, "I'll buy a drink for anyone to tell this cunt to stop touching my dick!". The witness recounts that the entire bar erupted with laughter and Roberts was forced to flee the scene as he was being ridiculed by the bar's patrons. The witness added that this was one of "many" incidents where Samson would accuse Roberts of touching his balls.

Solicitors for Roberts argued that the constant humiliation he endured as a result of Samson's "jokes", left him feeling dejected and he felt like the "office loser". After 2 years of Samson's bullying, Roberts was forced to resign from his job and became clinically depressed. He spent thousands of dollars on psychological appointments and other forms of therapy.

Samson showed little remorse and attempted to justify his actions by alleging that Robert's would often laugh along with the others and that it was their personal "in joke". He told the Court:
"Ken was just the bloke in the office that would probably grab your dick if he got the chance. He had that look about him. The joke evolved over a 2 year period. I never knew that he was so affected by it. Old Kenny Cock Grabber, I am shocked that he is dragging me through the Courts, I'm sickened". 
 After a 2 day trial, Roberts was awarded a record $150,000.00  in compensation and Samson is expected to file for bankruptcy in the coming months.

In the words of Murray Hewitt from Flight of the Concords: I'm sure Samson is enjoying a taste of his own "dick medicine". 

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Yum: Perth Prisoners Make Petrol Station Sandwiches

19 December 2013, 8:30am

If you ever wondered why your petrol station sandwich tasted so unpalletable, it would be on account of the secret ingredient: the sweat and tears of Perth's incarcerated.

A significant portion of petrol station sandwiches in Perth are hand-made by inmates residing in our high security prisons.  A revelation which is sure to shock servo-cuisine devotees to the core.

The Bell Tower Times spoke to an industry insider who blew the lid on this culinary tragedy:

"The last thing I would ever eat would be a servo sanga. I've spoken to people connected with Perth's high security prisons, and they told me that the inmates can earn up to $2.00 per hour making the sandwiches. It all gets pretty alarming when you think to yourself - how do they spread the mayonnaise without being able to use a knife?".
A sobering thought indeed. It stands to reason, that the high security inmates would be required to literally spread the mayonnaise, butter and other condiments on, with their bare hands. We spoke to a former Hakea prisoner, who has admitted to making sandwiches while in prison, Gus, 42, told the BTT:

"The gravity of the situation hit me when I was first released. I saw a mother buy a BLT from a petrol station  for her kid. I remember when I was pissed off at the guards I would "season" the sandwich materials - in prison "seasoning" is the act of playing with your balls for a few minutes before handling the sandwich shit. In the slammer, it was just a way to get buy ya know? But in real life, it's all a bit grotty. Then again, if you are eating food from a petrol station, aren't you kinda in your own personal prison anyway?".
We asked Gus whether he would ever consider eating a petrol station sandwich, he told us:
 "Mate, I'd rather have a crack at the cheese kransky thats been sitting in the bain-marie since 10am".
We tried to contact Hakea prison for comment, however we were told that the inner dealings of the prison were confidential and they would not be making any statement.

Food for thought.

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City of Perth - Smokers to Wear Fluro Vests

18 December 2013, 8:30am

Recently, the City of Perth made their shopping malls on Hay and Murray Street, smoke free. The policy dealt a vicious blow to smoking enthusiasts and those addicted to nicotine.

The City of Perth's has recently announced that it will be upping the ante in their war on smokers. Anyone wanting to light up in the surrounding streets (i.e. Barrack or Williams) will be required to wear a bright yellow fluro vest, like the one pictured.

A spokesperson from the City of Perth told the Bell Tower Times:

"We want to give non-smokers the opportunity to spot a smoker at a distance and completely avoid their filthy smoke cloud. We also think the inherent humiliation of wearing a fluro vest may deter smokers from venturing onto the streets of Perth to feed their filthy habits. Our rangers will be given special powers to fine smokes who fail to wear the vest".
Anti-Smoking groups support the initiative and say that the requirement to wear a fluro vest will bring unwanted attention to the wheezing smoke-bags and protect the public at large from the horrors of second hand smoke inhalation.

Human rights groups are drawing parallels to Germany's Nazi Regime, who forced Jewish people and other perceived enemies of the state to dress in a manner to stand out from the rest of society.

We understand that the vests will need to be purchased by smokers and the policy will be implemented early 2014.

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Perth Therapist Offers Therapy to Girls Dating Chodes

17 December 2013, 12:00pm

Perth always seems to be ahead of the 8 ball when it comes to the sheer number of young men that fall comfortably into the category of douche-bag or chode.

A chode can be described as someone who displays a horrific cocktail of personality traits, such as: arrogance, vanity, sleaziness and exhibitionism. Kyle Sandilands is the epitome of the term.

As a society we often mingle with chodes as part of our friendship circles. Sadly, sometimes girls date them.

Sally Fenway, psychologist, 32, has started offering girls who are in love with chodes, a special therapy course to help them deal with their partners atrocioussness, she told The Bell Tower Times:

"I think everybody knows a girl who is dating a one. Usually the problem stems from the fact that the boyfriend will be lovely to the girl but repulse almost everybody else in his orbit. The girl will then feel unsupported by her peers when they refuse offers to hang out, or simply outright call the offending boyfriend a massive chode. I therefore have tailored a special therapy session to deal with the influx of females who have found themselves bunked up with a smug, shit-munching asshole".
 We asked Fenway whether she could disclose any of her innovative techniques, she told us:
"I wouldn't want to give all my trade secrets away, however, one tactic we use is to go through the boyfriends Facebook or Instagram page. I then ask the girlfriend how she honestly feels when she sees a photo, of say, her chode boyfriend wearing fluro at Stereosonic and throwing up gang signs. You would be surprised how often the girl simply breaks down into a quivering mess of realisation".
We warn our readers that dating a chode can isolate you from your friends and family. It is always important to maintain close relationships with your loved ones and trust their judgment too. Or perhaps you will find yourself the next Ms Kyle Sandilands (picture yourself making love to him). 

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Full Strength Beer Banned in Pubs and Bottleshops for Australia Day 2014

16 December 2013, 3:30pm

Today, it was revealed from a leaked Licensing Authority memorandum from a top official, that licensees will not be permitted to sell full strength beer (being over 4.0%) on 26 January 2014, Australia Day.

In a move that is sure to be unpopular with Western Australians, the temporary condition will seemingly apply to all pubs, restaurants, nightclubs and bottle shops.

We spoke to a licensee who operates in the City of South Perth about the proposed ban on full strength beer, he told us:
"Whats next? A ban on any type of fun at all? Seriously, this ban is going to hurt Perth businesses, beer is a big seller on Australia Day, and responsible adults have the right to choose full flavored beer".
Of course, from what is known about the proposed crackdown, there is nothing stopping someone from purchasing full strength beer the day before Australia Day to consume at home. The proposed ban on full strength beer will therefore have the greatest impact on bars and taverns - they will be empty.

We spoke to another licensee who operates in the Town of Vincent, she told us:
"What a great message. Don't spend Australia Day supporting Aussie businesses and drink in a controlled environment, just stockpile on boxes of VB and get shit-hammered at home, where your liquor consumption goes unmonitored".
Western Australia has taken another step towards being the most insanely regulated State in respect of liquor and freedom.

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Breathalysers and Underwear Checks for Store Santa's This Year

16 December 2013, 11:00am

Taking your kids to see Santa Clause at your local shopping centre or park is a timeless Australian tradition and an essential part of any young persons upbringing.

Unfortunately, not all shopping centre Santa's like to play by the rules. Over the years, there has been anecdotal evidence of a culture of alcoholism and exhibitionism amongst the Santa's, and it is only a matter of time before an Aussie child is subjected to some unpleasantness.

Police have have been instructed to discretely breathalyse Santas and check that they are wearing underwear under their Santa costumes this holiday season. We spoke to our source at the WA Police who told us:
"There is definitely a zero tolerance policy this year. Officer's have been tasked with the unpleasant job of having to breathalyse men dressed up as Santa Clause for various functions, and of course, perform on the spot check to ensure they are wearing some jocks. We expect some officers may get an unwanted glimpse of penis, however its a risk we must take to ensure community safety".

One mother, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Bell Tower Times:
"I could smell the bourbon from the front of the line. When my son and myself approached Santa, his eyes were glazed over and he was staring directly at  the ass of one of his female Elf helpers, who had bent over to grab a lolly for my son. What a vile man".
Teenage larrikin, Tommy, once lined up to sit on Santa's lap, so he could get a photo and prove to his peers that he was a goofball, he told us:
"Sure, I was pulling the piss. A 19 year old has no place of Santa's lap, but fuck me man, when I sat on his lap I could feel his dick gently pressing into my leg! Wasn't like he was hard or anything, I just don't reckon the dirty prick was wearing any underwear. Serves me right, but think about the children".
Sadly, the two incidents described above are not isolated, and we heard from various other Perthians, that when they encountered Santa, he was either drunk or was rocking out commando style.

The majority of Santa's are holiday heroes and the Bell Tower Times salutes them. However, to those who aren't wearing grundies or are intoxicated, we shake our heads with disapproval. 

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Stop The Sharks: Japan Applauds Barnett's Policy

12 December 2013, 9:30am

Colin Barnett announced this week that large sharks that swam close to designated "kill zones" would be hunted by commercial fisherman who have the green light to slaughter the majestic beasts.

Moments after the announcement, Barnett's office was flooded with emails and phone calls from Japanese commercial fishing companies, vowing that they would carry out the death warrants at a moments notice, and furthermore, they would do it for free. The CEO of Kobyashi, one of Japan's leading commercial fishing companies apparently told the Premier, "That's the spirit". 

Australia has long resisted Japan's whaling activity in Australian waters and it is believed that Barnett's war on sharks has given the Japanese whaling companies hope that Western Australia may open their doors to a little commercial whaling.

A source from Kobyashi leaked the details of a meeting of their Directors. Apparently the fishing giant discussed ways of convincing Australian's that whales were a threat, and accordingly, convince our Premier to widen his war on sharks to include at least some species of whales. The Managing Director of Kobyashi apparently mused that a "killer whale is more or less a shark"

Barnett's war on sharks has divided Western Australia with many doubting the necessity of the policy. There is common theme amongst the protesters that it is humans that are entering the sharks territory and we have no right to kill them for doing what they do naturally. Other people are scared of the giant fish, and welcome the impending bloodbath this summer.

We tried to reach Barnett's office for comment, however apparently he had just sat down for a  big bowl of shark fin soup. 

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Johnson's Moustache Reminded Trott of Recurring Freddy Mercury Sex Dream

10 December 2013, 11:30am

Sensationally,  English batsman, Johnathon Trott, excused himself from the Ashes Series in Australia on account of battling emotional issues.

It has been revealed by sources close to Trott that a major reason he became overwhelmed was the fact that Australian fast bowler, Mitchell Johnson's moustache brought back saucy memories of a recurring sex dream he had involving the late Freddy Mercury.

It is alleged that when Trott was a teenager, he would dream about the Queen lead singer bailing him up behind the cricket nets and seducing him. The dream normally ended with the pair making aggressive and sweaty love.

At the time, Trott was haunted by the dreams and began to doubt his own heterosexual view of himself. Trott's teenage years were understandably traumatic given the popularity of Queen. Over time, Trott stopped having the dreams, however the fear of Freddy Mercury lived on in his subconscious.

A blissfully ignorant Mitchell Johnson, grew a pair of handlebars for the pro-men's health campaign, Movember. For reasons known only to Johnson, he decided to keep the look and has been bowling serious heat at the English cricket team and racking up impressive statistics.

Johnson has been commended for pulling off a look that can only be described as an exact cross between a pool-cleaning porn star and a gay nightclub rapist.  One cannot escape some form of sexual thought when they look at his face.

Trott was the first casualty of Johnson's fierce look, however as the English team fail to find form, we ask ourselves whether Johnson's face is the real hero of the Ashes?

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Chanel No.5 Release New Scent: Ethnic Taxi Driver

9 December 2013, 3:00pm

Chanel No.5 is renowned as one of the most famous perfumes in history. It's ever evolving scent has made its a collectors item and a top seller during the Christmas period.

With Christmas 2013 fast approaching, Chanel is planning to drop a bomb on consumers and awaken the exotic princess in all woman, they will be release their new scent: Chanel No.5 - Ethnic Taxi Driver.

A spokesperson from Chanel, told The Bell Tower Times:

"It's a scent that everyone knows, yet no one dare describe. It's the sight of the beaded back rest, the sound of the exotic music, and most important the musk of the ethnic man dropping you home or to the airport". 
The perfume  apparently draws its influences heavily from the Middle Eastern and Indian regions of the world. The scent is rumored to be a top seller due to its pure ambiguity. Just like when you are sitting in the back of a  Taxi at 3:00am trying to work out where the fuck the driver bought his cologne, so too will your loved ones this Christmas, as you turn your body into the streets of Marrakesh.

The Bell Tower Times approached punters in Hay Street this morning to get their reactions to Chanel's bold new scent:

Trev, 32, told us: "I'v always wanted to play 'open sesame' with me missus, so I'm all for this".

Susan, 42,  told us: "How unique, I am not sure I want to smell like a middle eastern man, however, I do want to lull my friends into a deep mental confusion about where my scent has come from". 

Stacey, 32, told us: "Your joking right? I once passed out in a taxi and  I'm pretty sure the driver played with my hair, cos my hair smelt like this so called exotic musk". 

Troy B, 46, told us: "Whats next, colleagues chair scent? Nah seriously, will they be doing that one?".

It seems at the very least Chanel's new scent will be a talking point this season.

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Honeymooners: Every Public Toilet Booked Out During Canberra Gay Marriage Week

8 December 2013, 11:45am

Currently, it is legal for homosexual couples to get married in the ACT. The laws are currently being challenged by the Federal Government in the high Court.

The High Court of Australia is expected to hand down a ruling next week as to the legality of the ACT's same-sex marriage laws, the result of which, may render all same-sex marriages in the ACT void.

Despite the uncertainty, scores of homosexuals have tied the knot over the last week and are making the most of their marriages' legal status. Function rooms and public parks have been in high demand for the ceremonies and love is truly in the air.

An unexpected consequence of ACT's "gay marriage week" is the absolute inability for Canberra's residents to access and use the cities public toilets. Almost every single public toilet and public toilet block have been booked out by newly married homosexuals for their honeymoons. Some latecomers, have even made the commute to the Canberra Airport to spend a night of passion in their ablution facilities.

We spoke to Dylan, who married his partner on Saturday night, he told us:
"We decided to spend our night of passion in the toilets next to the State Library, it was a really magical evening. It was tough getting the booking, and I hate to admit that we had to offer the sanitation department a small bribe he he. They even changed the usual air-fresheners in the toilets to my husbands favorite cologne, Old Spice".
The spike in honeymooners booking the public toilets has caused inconvenience for some of Canberra's residents, as a poorly timed outbreak of gastro has hit the city. We understand that there have been many close calls, as citizens with "crook guts" have needed to make a desperate dash home or to their place of business to relieve themselves, before falling victim to their gastro.

We are told by our sources, that should the High Court uphold the ACT's same-sex marriage laws, then the city will invest heavily in additional portable toilets around the city to ease the pressure on the current facilities.

Happy gay-marriage week yall!

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Subiaco Man Day Dreams About Smacking Vegan in the Mouth

4 December 2013, 10:30am

Rick Vandelay, 29, attended a small Christmas soiree with some good friends at the Lucky Shag Hotel on Tuesday evening.

A female friend of Vandelay decided to invite her cousin, Chloe Sampson, who was visiting from Melbourne. Vandelay took no objection to the extra guest, thinking that she may have been "fingerable".

Vandelay soon discovered that Chloe was a raging vegan who was not shy to thumb-pack her opinions down anyone's throat. Her hair was slightly dread locked, she had a nose piercing and she smelt like the E-Shed Markets.

The critical moment of the evening came, when Vandelay ordered the Shag's famous hamburger for dinner. Vandelay told The Bell Tower Times:
"I hadn't even finished ordering my meal, when Chloe, the thunder-cunt, snapped at me for ordering meat. She scoffed as I ordered the burger and then commenced a 10 minute rant about how meat was murder or some shit. All I know is that I drifted off into a trance... I kept getting these flashes in my mind, of just smacking Chloe, right in the mouth, obviously I didn't act on my impulse though".
 Vandelay's best friend, Simon Haas, told us:
"Rick really copped it with both barrels from that chick. I dunno though, he seemed really zen about it. He just stared at her in kind of a dream-like state, occasionally grinning, while she was telling him about the meat industries inhumane practices and all that stuff. As we left the restaurant, he told me that he had spent the better part of the day dreaming about giving Chloe an elbow right to the chops, in the interest of shutting her up".
By all reports, Chloe is a repeat offender and Vandelay exercised extreme self-control to not react to her relentless diatribe. If you see Vandelay at the pub, buy the man a drink.

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Perth Tour Group Offer Claremont MILF Tour

3 December 2013, 7:00am

Tour Group, See[dy] Perth, has announced its plans to offer tourists and locals a chance to roll through Perth's western suburbs in a Tarago Mini-Van and spot the elusive Western Suburbs MILF in their natural habitat, the shopping malls of  Claremont.

Tour operator, Nigel Goldstein, says he can guarantee that customers will see MILF's and is offering a money back guarantee if a customer misses out on a sighting. We spoke to Goldstein who told us:
"We are trained at tracking down MILF's. First, we check car parks for Range Rovers and Mini Coopers and cars like that. Then we slowly lurk our Tarago close to the shopping areas and cafes. It is impossible to not see an attractive older woman walking around high off their kids medication and buying pointless shit. If it is raining or there are just no MILF's around, we plan to take the group into the Claremont Quarter shopping complex and rattle a BMW keyring around, 100% guarantee."
We understand that Transport Minister Troy Buswell was quick to OK to concept, despite tourism not falling into his portfolio or having really any authority to approve the tour at all.

Prospective tour customers are urged to not bother the MILF's in their natural habitat. As approaching one of these older woman of beauty and class may lead to being treated like common riff raff or a sex pest. As Goldstein says, "our mandate is to observe, not bother, and its delicious". 

See[dy] Perth have also flagged plans to offer their customers the Lloyd Rayney Kings Park Tour and  the Karl O'Callaghan's Son's Meth Lab Tour (where they guarantee you will have a blast).

Tickets start from $40.00 for a 3 hour lurk in the Tarago, to the premium $150.00 weekend package, which includes an overnight stay on the Nedlands' Foreshore, to spot the elusive early morning exercise MILF. We expect tickets to sell fast.

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Parent's of Underage Repeat Offenders Could Be Named as Co-Accused

2 December 2013, 11:45am

Should the parents or guardians of underage repeat offenders be held accountable for the crimes committed by their children?

On one hand, the notion that a parent should be prosecuted for their child's crimes implies that a parent has full control over their child, and that their child's criminal behavior is a result of poor parenting. On the other hand, the notion of prosecuting parents may encourage strict discipline and lead to a possible reduction in underage offending.

A youth justice group in Western Australia has called for public support as they lobby the Government to amend the Young Offender's Act to permit the state to name either parent (or guardian) of a wayward children as a co-accused in situations where the parent has demonstrated a consistent lack of care and control towards the child.

Under the proposed amendments, parents would not face a criminal record however they would be bound to pay any compensation to the victims and also be subject to orders from the Court that obliges them to attend parenting classes, psychological sessions and in extreme circumstances may be ordered to relinquish the care of their child to the State until such time as they can prove they can exercise a reasonable level of care and control.

Parenting support groups are outraged at the proposed amendments and label them a band-aid solution to social epidemic of child offending. The amendments would also put undue pressure on families that already struggle to cope with their child's anti-social behaviour, which can arise from a variety of factors including behavioural problems and in some cases, the kid is just a bad egg.

It is unlikely that the Government will amend the Youth Offender's Act at this time, however if the issue of underage offending continues spiral out of control, we may find ourselves staring down the barrel of some pretty shit-scary legislation.

As Western Australia spirals ever closer to being a full-blown nanny state, we must ask ourselves, will we ever fix our social problems through punitive measures? Or is it finally time to look into preventive methods of reducing crime.

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Panicked Phone Call: Traveler Forgets to Dispose of Wank-Sock Before Vacating Share House

1 December 2013, 7:00pm

New Zealand born traveler, Robert Fitzpatrick, set off on a trip of a lifetime last week to go and work on the sky slopes of France.

Fitzpatrick had been living in a share house with friends in the Perth's southern suburbs for the previous year.

At approximately 8:45pm on  21 November 2013, Fitzpatrick had arrived at Perth International Airport and was waiting to board his flight, when a moment of pure panic overcame him. Fitzpatrick had forgotten to discard of a sock that he kept in his former room, that he used exclusively for pleasuring himself into, it was his beloved "wank sock".

Fitzpatrick in an act of panic and desperation phoned his friend, Simon, in Perth who was still living at the share house and begged him to go into his former room and dispose of his filthy wank sock.

Simon was reluctant to assist Fitzpatrick with the putrid task, however in an act of compassion, Simon agreed to undertake the dirty work. At 9:15pm, Simon sent Fitzpatrick a text message that confirmed he had discarded of the jizz encrusted sock.

Deep down, Fitzpatrick knew his secret would never be safe, and has reportedly invested in a box of tissues for his new room in France.

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