Tony Abbott Rewriting Bible

24 April 2014, 9:00am

Tony Abbott has announced that he has been tirelessly working to rewrite the Holy Bible to reflect the book's true intents. In his words: "the Bible got a lot of stuff wrong. Some passages are ambiguous and I aim to fix that". 

It seems Abbott is tired of being unable to rely on the Bible to support his policy initiatives and is amending certain Bible verses accordingly. Abbott remained tight lipped about the extent of the amendments he is making to the centuries old book, however he did tell us:

"Marriage will be clearly defined as between a man and a woman. This amendment is important as it will stop poofs trying to gay-marry me in the airport toilets. After all the Bible is the ultimate law in the land".

"Gina and Twiggy will be included as disciples".

"The story that Noah could arrive in a new land by Arc with a load of immigrants is absurd, the new verse will reflect the off-shore processing initiative of the ancient day Government". 

Bill Shorten described Abbott's project as a "ridiculous use of tax-payer money", noting that "we already have a Bible that 20 Million Australians ignore, we don't need another one".

Joe Hockey has thrown his support behind Abbott, stating that, "some people may see Tony as a scary religious kook, and they are entitled to that opinion, but the new Bible will put food on the table for Australian families".

We eagerly await.