The Human Zoo - Mr Clickbait

Jason first drank from the grubby cup of clickbait when he was in the business of uploading porn movies to his filthy blog. He remembers fondly his first viral success, “The babysitter won't make that mistake again!” His knack for clicksturbation caused his blog to grow faster than the babysitter’s kneeling regret when she unzipped her own exploitation to the used-tissue-delight of advertisers everywhere. Jason knew from that day, it didn’t matter how fucked the content was, as long as some cretin clicked.

Years passed and Jason found it harder to look his friends in the eyes. His income was grubbier than the door handle on a $2 Club X peepshow after Craig Thomson got a new credit card. So he joined Buzzfeed and started pumping out outrageous top 10 lists. He was high on journalism and with each “epic” list he created his brain released euphoric levels of cunt-amine. It wasn’t long before Jason enjoyed the respectful reach-a-round of viral glory with his breakthrough piece, “Top 25 ‘Straya Facts You Won't Believe Are True!” His barrel-scraping fuckery hit a million views and Jason fist-pumped his own respectability into submission.

Like any cock-for-cash street addict, Jason found it harder to get the same high from Buzzfeeding. Writing blithering garbage about insignificant bullshit was leaving Jason feeling emptier than the Red Rooster blind charity dog after Belle Gibson fancied a strip sub. What he did next will shock you! He sent off a C.V to the holy grail of intelligence insulting gutter-journalism: Newscorp. His cover letter merely stated, “Fairfax absolutely hate him! Find out the secret to Jason’s articles today!” True to their publication, hiring Jason was a real “no brainer” and he began streaking his own journalistic skiddies on everyone's favourite virtual toilet bowl: Perthnow.

He made a name for himself in the health & lifestyle section. He knew too well that the nation of ‪#‎inspo‬-cunts and Burger Ring shoveling slobbos would desperately click on easy weight loss and exercise tips. Turns out Jesus wasn’t a carpenter, he was a clickbait journo, and his miracles were bountiful: “The new super-food for weight loss!”, “Tight buns in just 10 minutes per day!”, “The reason you have been exercising wrongly!” Jason was making it rain and the droplets of hollow-content pounded down heavier than the brake-foot of an elderly driver during the great Perth storm.

Jason was the golden goose of ad-revenue and he began writing more serious articles. His first breakthrough piece was in respect to an alleged murder by a man whom was “acting strangely”. Like a total crime cuntespondent, he used classic hype-mongering to bait the dopey click-click birds, “Did Ice play a role? Police May Investigate Whether Accused Was on Crystal Methamphetamine”. Fucking genius, he ever so delicately walked the line of defamation and free press. The “party drug ice” is the gift that keeps on clicking and Jason was hooked.

Jason will eventually retire in the house that clickbait built and he owes his career to the simple idea, that the truth should always yield to curiosity piqued by deceit.