How To Survive the Great Perth Cold Snap

1. Dress like you are heading to Mount Everest Base Camp

What do Patagonia, Kathmandu and The North Force of anything all have in common? You haven’t been there, pal. Your life may be like a booze, Netflix and Uber eatish Groundhog Day, but you sure as shit look active. Posing next looked so puffy.

2. Get into a Heated Argument about Global Warming

If you’re a Baby Boomer climate change skeptics you know that the fact they had to use a heater this morning as irrefutable proof that climate change science is a load of shit. After all, you’ve been through way more winters, and don’t reckon it’s too bloody hot. Wake the sheeple up.

3. Don’t Wear Shorts

Even though you would push your own mother out of the way to get to a pair of shorts, you must concede that some days require a pair of trackies. Don’t go crazy and wear your good Court trackies, just that flogged out pair you pinched from Big W in 2014. That is the Perth way.

4. Drive Like a Fuckhead Somehow

You can get it braking, you get it skidding, you can get it ploughing through a house, a cold wet road needs a classic Perth act, and the Perthiest act is shit, shit driving. Fuck knows how this keeps you warm, but with the number of people doing it, it must work?

5. Sacrifice Your Ute to the Sinkhole God of Smoko

“Thou sinkhole, who art in Wanneroo, hallowed be thy name, they tradie come, smokos not done, fuck this shit I’m grabbing a coupla bevans”. This is a bit of a new one for Perth, but hey, it sure beats standing around with a stop sign pretending to work.

6. Magic Mushrooms

Get a handful of Balingup’s finest mushies into your trip-hole and before you know it, you won’t remember how to use your phone let alone have a firm grasp of temperature. Make sure you have friends around, and avoid the temptation to navigate South East Asia and end up on a Thai beach playing bongos.

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What the 2016 Census Revealed about WA

  1. The fastest growing occupation in the Western suburbs was “entrepreneur, influencer, CEO, model, vegan, crossfitter, blessed <3”, which experienced a 155% spike yet had the lowest average recorded income across the board.

  1. There was a 70% increase in the number of people whom, after recording “law”, “engineering”, “aviation” or “medicine” as their field of study, also highlighted, underlined and asterixed the answer.

  1. Perth is officially Australia’s leader of mortgage related stress. A statistic that experts are strongly linking to outbreaks of Bali ash clouds, interest from Cashies loans and of course the state’s millennials crippling addiction to avocado & toast based brunches.  

  1. WA’s religion is officially, “Islam is not a Race”, with a staggering 70% of the outer suburban populace scribbling this new faith next to the “other” option.

  1. Australia’s population’s ancestry is edging closer to being more Asian than European. A state of affairs widely believed to be due to the condomless ejaculate of cashed up miners sowing their wild oats in South East Asia during the peak of the boom.

  1. The percentage of English and New Zealand migrants continue to grow despite whiney claims at bars and sites requiring scaffolding that their homelands are superior to Australia in every way.

  1. There was a sharp 95% spike in “address of employer” being recorded as “HOME” which correlated coincidently with the 95% spike in those pursuing a career in BOSS @ FULL TIME MUMMY.

  1. English remained the most common language spoken at home, although with the rise of text based communication and leftards writing fake news, the second most prolific language understood at home was “Caps lock”.

  1. In a shock to statisticians, male & female still appear to be the two most prominent sex-groups. However a staggering 88% of the arts degree population refused to tick a box and corrected the ABS’ assumption. Accordingly, no two person’s self indulgent description of their biology was the same.

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